Shit happens (life is so cruel)...

Life can be so cruel....

I generally keep this for business related things; however sometimes life can just be so damn unfair.

A very close and dear friend who I met through this Industry has today received some pretty shit news that will affect them and those they love.

She knows who she is – keep smiling you and between us all that know you, I have confidence that we will all be there for you to keep you in your “happy bubble”.

Prove those experts wrong and laugh at them! J

You know where I am if you need me xxx

Credit Card and Online Payments

Over the last month or so I have been having discussions with a provider who specialises in providing online payments and credit card payments. They cater for all industries but one of their niche markets is the Adult Industry.

They are based in the Channel Islands, however their partner bank which provides the physical payment processing is European and has absolutely no issues with this Industry at all.

I have spent a considerable amount of time performing due diligence on the provider and also taking up references from their major customers. I have signed a Confidentiality Agreement which prevents disclosure of their clients names, however they are providing card processing services for some of the major players in this arena and been operating in it for a good number of years. Their reputation and references are highly commendable.

In a nutshell what is being offered:

(1)  The ability to take credit card payments for physical meets/deposits via a hand held terminal.

a.    As it’s a cardholder present transaction – NO holdback or retention, (you get all the money very quickly). 

b.    Sensible fees for transactions.

c.    VERY discreet billing for your client on their credit card statement.

 

(2)  The ability to take online payments for adult content.           

a.    Whether this be per minute billing for cam or chat; or one off / recurring billing for membership sites or pay per view galleries.

b.    They are cheaper than the other players for this Industry and you do not run the risk of losing your money because your business is described as something very different to what it does.

The whole online payment can be easily integrated into any website that you already have control of, thus giving you the ability to add an extra revenue stream as applicable.

Obviously electronic payments will not appeal to everybody as there are a lot of cynics out there as well as those people who want no traceability as they are not paying any tax. There are a lot of benefits to taking electronic payments if the price and logistics are correct.

We will be publishing a FAQ sheet within the next week with hopefully enough information and answers for you to see if you are interested in the service.

Thoughts for the day…

Some interesting thoughts and comments (or not as you may think) that I have encountered recently.

Comments from potential client(s):

I want a local based accountant.

My Reply:

With all of this wonderful technology we have in this world then there is absolutely no need to be local to your accountant (or any other professional adviser for that matter). Yes we have to meet initially (for various reasons) and I am more than happy to come to you if that’s easier.

 

On an ongoing basis, I am more than happy to talk via the phone and / or email to discuss any issues. If there is something really that crucial that we cannot go through it on the phone then we can arrange a meeting. I usually do not charge for this as I can normally coincide it with something going on in my personal life or another client.

 

Consider that the person who said that was based in central London; do they really want to pay London rates? Although an ex Londoner (born and bred – you can take the boy out of London, but never the London out of the boy) I do not charge London rates.

Comment from potential client:

You are prepared to travel to me – therefore you must be very expensive or just helpful

My Reply:

My rates are very reasonable and I am more than happy to offer a free initial meeting if you are serious about using my services. If you are just window shopping then I find that a chat on the phone is preferable unless I am in your area for other business.

Yes I am helpful – I treat people how I like to be treated. I am in a service based profession and I firmly believe in offering a good service. I am also not naïve in this world and take the view that any potential client could introduce more new clients to me (irrespective of what industry they are in).

Existing clients will happily vouch about how helpful I am. I firmly believe in building long term client relationships and therefore act in a suitable manner. Most good professionals will offer a free initial meeting or chat – it gives both parties the chance to see if they can work together. 

On the same basis that you are under no obligation to use my services once we have met, then I am also under no obligation to accept you as a client. I have only ever turned one future client away and that was because they were willing to try and buck the tax system and willingly commit blatant tax evasion / fraud. That will just not happen with me and any professional accountant will have had the same view.

Comment from potential client:

How much will it cost me and what can I claim as expenses?

My Reply:

I usually give a rough cost range which will not be wildly wrong when we meet. It is very hard to commit to anything until I understand your full circumstances – do you have other income (property, PAYE job etc), are you VAT registered, are you claiming benefits etc? 

In respect of what you can claim as an expense – well I could write a complete book on that and to be blatantly honest I just won’t go into that detail on an email. Apart from the fact that I hate typing lengthy mails, why should I give loads of free expert advice to complete strangers when they can type things into Google and see what comes up? Or even better – they can ask on forums and wait for the replies…..

Which leads me nicely onto…..

One of my pet hates is so called experts who post on forums when they haven’t really got a clue about what they are talking about. Someone referred to them as educated fools once – I just call them stupid idiots! (and that is being nice for me). Be careful what you read out there folks….some of it is shocking and just totally wrong and will get you into deep with water with HMRC.

Talking about pet hates:

 
Whilst I will happily exchange a couple of emails – I do not like writing war and peace on email for ever and a day. Yes it has it’s purpose and time; however I find that so much more can be answered in a 5 minute phone call. You don’t even have to worry about the cost of the call as I will call you if needed. I also take calls from withheld numbers so don’t worry about that if that is a problem.

I myself operate two phones and the number displayed on this website is only for new / potential clients to contact myself. Once we have met then I have no problems giving my main number out. 

I have been known to take the view that if you are not prepared to pick up the phone then you are wasting both our times (and I haven’t been wrong yet!).

I am contactable at all sorts of weird times and have even been known to take calls at late o’clock on a Sunday evening. It’s all part of the service!

 

When you deal with me then you are dealing with a professional human being who knows his trade; treat me the same as you would treat any other professional (and also how you would like to be treated) and we won’t go far wrong in our working relationship. 

So much for a short set of words….sometimes I can be literal. Back to the numbers now.

Is this a dilemma you or someone you know might face?..

This is a situation that I am increasingly coming across and unfortunately it’s one of those where perhaps there is no consistent right answer.

(Before people start to lay into me or pass judgement, remember that everyone does things for their own reasons and no one should assume they are any better or any worse than others. Again, as is standard practice when professionals post on the public web – I do not condone tax evasion of any kind; tax avoidance is a different matter and is the perfectly legal way of organising your affairs to minimise your tax)

The situation:

Approached by a new client who when we start talking (either on the phone or face to face) admits that they have been working doing whatever it is they do for the past [x] number of years and they haven't been declaring it to the nice people at HMRC [if you have read all my website then you will realise I can be sarcastic at times].

They ask me what I think they should do – my standard answer is that it is down to them and their circumstances.

I advise them that they have basically two options –

1. Keep their fingers (and perhaps legs – excuse the pun) crossed and hope that HMRC never have reason to go looking back into their past nor some pissed off punter decides to makes noises and causes trouble for them.
2.  
3. Contact HMRC and do a voluntary disclosure for the prior years. Yes this will result in having to pay tax and interest and you may get a little red flag against your name for a few years. As long as you keep filing your returns and paying on time this should not be a major issue.

There is never a right answer in the clients mind as it depends upon a number of factors; the amounts involved, the length of time and the clients own sanity. Some people just hate worrying about what the next brown letter that lands on the doormat is about.

Some people take the first option – with perhaps the viewpoint that there are shed loads of taxpayers in the UK (approx. 30million for income tax) so what are the chances of them as an individual being selected?

Others may decide to come clean and do a voluntary disclosure.

The one thing for sure is that if your name is selected (for whatever reason) for an investigation in future and HMRC find that you have been a naughty person, the penalties that will be imposed then will be much more harsher and potentially damaging to you as an individual than they would be if you had declared it voluntarily.

HMRC have over the last 18 months targeted plumbers and electricians giving them an amnesty to declare undeclared income. Once the amnesty was up, then HMRC hit them hard!

What would you do? As a television presenter sometimes says – Phone a friend, ask the audience or 50/50?

Time to be clever?..

These are real life issues that I have come across from clients. Names have been changed in order to protect client confidentiality.

[this might be stating the obvious but I have to say it – in no way do I condone any issues of tax evasion – nor would any reputable regulated accountant. Tax avoidance is a different matter and is a perfectly legal way of organising your affairs to minimise your tax bill]


Story 1:

Let’s take a young lady – she needs a reference from an accountant to get a new lease on a rental property. She finds me on AW and emails me accordingly. She either offers to give me cash or a couple of hour’s free service.

Basically she wants to me put my signature to a letter saying that I can confirm she earns whatever she says she does and that I think she is good for the lease.

Do I know her? NO
Do I know her financial affairs? NO
Am I stupid enough to risk serious disciplinary action from my Institute should anything ever go wrong? NO

Whilst I will happily provide mortgage and other references for existing clients (at no cost I must add) – why the hell would I do one for a complete stranger?

Come on folks…. Use some common sense please!!! You are dealing with a professional here not a two bit back street moron.

Story 2:

Jessica has been working for a few years as self employed and doing her own books and tax return. Whether she has been doing it in the most efficient way is a secondary tale to the main story. She hasn’t been totally honest with the nice people at HMRC and has been under declaring her income and just spending the amounts she has missed off of her tax return.

Jessica decides to go buy a house. She lies on the mortgage application about her income. She gets all excited as people do and the process get started.

Mortgage application form duly filed out, survey completed on the house etc.

Before the lender sends out the mortgage offer they do a couple of last minute checks (hey – it’s their money after all and they need to be happy!). One of these involves Jessica proving her declared income – the most logical way is to see copies of her tax returns. Now she panics – she tries to go back and say that she made a mistake on her application, as well as various other feeble excuses which the lender sees through straight away.

Needless to say, the mortgage is refused, her name is put on a black list by the council of mortgage lenders (a shared database amongst the mortgage world) and just to add insult to injury – the lender reports her to HMRC for suspected tax evasion.

Not a happy Jessica to say the least.

Story 3:

Jane has been doing her own books and accounts for the last couple of years (again the same comment about efficiency applies as it did with Jessica).

This time Jane has been under declaring her profit to the tune of around £10k. She has therefore been paying reduced income tax.

What she hasn’t fully realised is how lenders access the borrowing capability of self employed people.

Jane happily walks into the mortgage people and gleefully fills out all the forms thinking she will get a nice big mortgage to help her buy her dream house.

The lender uses a multiple of 3 times the profit figure; Jane hasn’t fully appreciated this and the lender will only offer her a mortgage that is £30k short of what she was expecting.

That nice big house disappears from view and she’s left with the option of either putting down a bigger deposit (which she hasn’t got at present) or settling for something smaller.

Either way – not a happy Jane.

How not to meet an accountant...

Obviously I have to meet new clients when they first contact myself and wish to use my services… apart from the fact that it’s always good to put a name to a face, I need to see ID from clients to comply with the various rules imposed upon the accountancy profession.

I also somewhat take the view (maybe it’s called confidence, some people call it arrogance) that I will know more about accounts and tax than the average client does. After all – I have been doing it for a fair few years and have 3 professional accountancy qualifications after my name.

I always ask some general questions about the client so I can tweak my presentation accordingly and pitch at the right level. The ideal client will listen to what I have to say (it’s not death by powerpoint honest) and then they will ask questions as needed to make sure things make sense.

I by no means assume that everything I have said will be taken in by a client in the first meeting…I am more than happy for clients to email / ring with questions at any time.

My all inclusive service means NO additional charges – talk to me as much as you like… keep doing it daily and I will think I have a new admirer!

Clients like that are a joy to work with as they do actually listen to what I have to say. I may not have experience of being a sex worker (thank god the people who know me will say) – however I do have 25 years of business experience. Your job/career is a business after all has been said and done.

The clients that have proved to be a right royal PITA are those that straight away say “I don’t want to pay any tax by using you” and “how much can you save me?”

I do give up on the ones that claim to know my profession better than I do but that’s another story.

When it comes to saving tax and not paying tax – yes there are ways we can legally minimise your tax, there are also ways that get you an instant go to jail card. Whichever way you decide to go, then it’s your choice at the end of the day – if I feel it’s wrong or potentially going to give you a problem then I have a moral and professional duty to advise you I and will always gain your written confirmation that you have acted against my advice. This is standard for accountants.

Yes – there are many ways to save tax – I will happily share these with clients as needed. But first make sure you understand the system and all the implications of taking a particular course of action. I will always seek to legally minimise your tax bill where possible.

Please don’t try telling me how the tax system works or how you can get around it – it is very likely I would have come across your ideas already!

Listen to what I have to say and then let’s work together to make your finances happier!

Just for a laugh....

To show that I am human after all..

Accountants jokes…

Q: What is a Budget?

A: An orderly system for living beyond your means.

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Q: How many accountants does it take to change a light bulb?

A: "What kind of answer did you have in mind?" Two, one to change the light bulb and one to check that it was done within the given budget.

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Q: What's the definition of an accountant?

A: Someone who solves a problem you didn't know you had in a way you don't understand.

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Q: What's the definition of a good tax accountant?

A: Someone who has a loophole named after him.

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Q: When does a person decide to become an accountant?

A: When he realises he doesn't have the charisma to succeed as an undertaker.

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Q: Why did God invent economists?

A: So accountants could have someone to laugh at.

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Q: What's an actuary?

A: An accountant without the sense of humour.

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Q: Why do some accountants decide to become actuaries?

A: They find bookkeeping too exciting.

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Q: What do actuaries do to liven up their office party?

A: Invite an accountant.